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i. i crave permanence. i've been aching for ink on my skin, a promise of time and things to come, so that i can say i'm here, i exist, i am a constant instead of fading in and out of focus. ii. i crave permanence. i've been straining for consistency, but falling into old melancholies, thrums of insufficiency and fear- fear that you'll tire of me. because my insecurities will quickly turn from endearing quirks to crippling flaws and my childish, clumsy hands will lose their youthful, giggly charm. iii. it's the eighteen year of war, and this raucous mind does not tire instead, my soul does, and it's all i have left.

goodnight. are you asleep? i hope you breathe easy i hope the morning finds you well and rested i'll be awake when you rise, because my mind and body are at odds- there is dissension within this tiny vessel, and neither loves the other. there is no fucking space in my soul for two. but yet i live in halves, a ragged split etched deep, an impossibility crammed down the corridors of my mind so that my halls are always full with the drifting of my ghosts the ever-lurking ache for constancy still sits comfortably in the pit of my shallow heaving chest; the same one so full of uncertainty and half-ready love. but i know i'm not the type you'll

pounding in my breastbone, my heart sings and quavers with the stress of existence; the years sift like boracay sand and my soul is wracked with change the mind disconnects, the flesh decays be my skyline, i'll be your wave and let me return to the ashes from which i came as i expire, the soul remembers how it was treated i'll not paint over the cracks in my brittle psyche instead fill them with rebirth like kintsugi i have learnt to be whole, and my thunderous screaming heart may rest.

i'm tired of turning myself into poetry how very tired, how very cliche; i have no stardust running through my veins, i do not exhale beauty with my breath, my eyes do not sparkle like arctic shine it's been years since i've been comfortable in this skin. i'm tired of apologising and shoegazing how very exhausting, how very contrite; i wish to fold into myself and buckle and break i hope to die in my sleep and take the black i pray to silent gods who stare down unblinking that they'll take me away and eat my soul my ambitions lie unfinished, but strangely- it's been months since i could rouse myself to care.

tease the discontent through your fingertips, spike the rage through your backbone- bleed your veins of apathy, clutch your pain to your chest; it's the only constant you know exhale solitude and snarl through silence, shriek at empty air- let the world creep in and make its nest, smiling in the corner of your soul. taste blood in your mouth, tongue the ragged wounds, carved in from the greed slithering through your throat gather your disgust and erupt- break- collapse- kill something and make sure it kills you too.

i hope the next time i see you, my face is on a gurney staring blank-eyed and coughing blood from grimy lungs leaking spit through my teeth and twitching like a guitar string but oh, what's the point, you won't fucking care god will save you anyway; i know he loves you so i could scream until my throat crawls out and dies but you won't blink a eye so take your non-existent guilt and choke i'm tired of writing about you but remember this: i used to be a burning example, i used to be a poster child for sunshine my mind used to be quiet and calm as winter ice i didn't need to remind myself to unclench my hands i never needed to hold my skull i

keep your eyes down, child hush now hush don't say a damn word stay quiet stay low stay out of sight hands to your sides, out of your goddamn pockets shut your mouth, swallow that bile that's building in your throat you a proud boy but your place isn't here speak and they'll call it an excuse- to grab you by the neck and shoot you in the back but you always taught me i'm a man of my own, you always said 'take no shit' so why we afraid in the houses we own why do i stay quiet when the streets are full mama mama, i'm tired of running and i'm no slave, i'm no court jester and i'm no thug, mama you put me to school for a reason your hands ain'

"are we lost," i asked, hungry and bone-thin a snarl of empty sitting deep in my belly, the loss of home, the loss of mind "you're never lost with me!" hummed the god, peering at length, oh-so-bright and immaculate, and this time i knew it was lying so i reached out and snuffed the light, heard the skitter-spatter of gods falling to the floor felt my mind fracture and splinter and seperate sat down in the labyrinth of my blackened soul.

"I won't come down," i said, peering over the edge of the clouds, and far below my ghosts tittered and hissed "but you can't stay up there forever!" they called, tangling themselves up, all discordant and enraptured, starving and repressed and i knew they were right and i looked over to the winding road where you decided i wasn't enough making believe i could see you still trudging away but i blinked and you were gone.

what do you do if you love someone who doesn't love you "you wait, and wait, and wait and wait and wait" so here i am, and here i'm waiting, standing in this hungry heat that eats the ground from beneath my feet but it's a shame, quite a lovely shame, that i think the world of you, while i'm only a village on your mapped-out soul- quite the bloody shame that you won't let me in so here i am, i'm waiting at the door throwing stones at your window like american football standing in the rain again.